Like a Circle Around Me

I heard the office door open. I looked up, and, with the expectation of seeing someone I didn’t know, I actually didn’t recognize him for a millisecond. He was dressed in green from head to toe, a terrible uniform, but a uniform none-the-less, with a face attached requiring no uniform to make it striking. At least in my eyes. Recognition set in and I smiled the kind of smile that comes from deep in your soul and escapes through your eyes.

My heart skipped a beat and I sighed with joy at seeing him in front of me, of his own accord.

I couldn’t help but think back all those years ago to the first time I saw him. We were five. He was wearing a striped shirt and came running around the corner of our old school-house. I was standing by the wooden swing set. His eyes met mine and I never looked away - not for 13 years.

When Chantal Kreviazuk sang "Surrounded", I always thought of him, still do, always felt I could sing those words to him, if ever I were to sing any words to him at all.

I was there
When you shone as bright as
Bethlehem from afar
I was there
When you were young and strong
And perverted
And everything that makes a young man a star
Oh, you were a star
I was there
And I swear to god
And on my mother’s grave
On everything I have
Or ever will embrace
I was there
And I saw it with my own two eyes

My mind swirled - I was there to join his team and gleam in the knowledge that he would pick me every time. I was there among the boys to celebrate his birthday. I was there sitting behind him in class and counting the 17 moles on the back on his neck. I was there to cut his hair, to cheer him on, to drive him home. I was there when he cried over his cat and the girl that broke his heart.

I just loved him until I thought my heart would burst. Not in the romantic sense although my teenage mind tried to envision us that way a thousand times. It just never seemed right. I was just a girl who loved a boy and wanted to ride in his car for hours on end and smell his cologne on the pages of the letter he secretly slipped into my gym bag.

It amazed me how all those years of memories could come sweeping into my head all in one conjoined moment with just a quick glimpse of him sauntering through my door. And there he was standing in front of me making my heart flutter with the sheer pride of just knowing him and having him be as much a part of me as any other person in my past. He sat down, slumped cooly on the chair, with his left leg turned out, fingers fiddling with the fabric of his vest. Same as always.

We chatted about nothing, the way that old friends can and do because they already know your story. And when he said he had to go, he hugged me and I stood on tippy-toes to hug him back. Same as always.

I hope he knows. I’m not sure what. Not to be told directly. I just hope he knows.