It's been a week already since Sarah was born. It's been an unbelieveable week - trying and tiring but simply amazing and wonderful.
It took a couple of days after she was home for it to really sink in -- ok, this baby is OURS! The first realization:
Sarah was fussy and I started to sing to her - "hush little baby, don't say a word..." Well in the next line I've been used to singing "Auntie's gonna buy you a mockingbird..." I've sang it that way for almost 7 years now. I stopped myself...hmmm? That obviously doesn't fit anymore.
And then after our first rough night at home a part of me was thinking "It's okay, Tracey will be here to pick her up in the morning and then you can sleep. No big deal." And then, once again, the realization: "Myrna this baby is YOURS for keeps!"
And the third reminder came when Isabella (my middle niece) came to visit with my sister and her family and she didn't want to touch the baby or talk to the baby, she didn't like the baby...and she asked her mom if the baby was coming home with them. Tracey says, "No honey, this is not our baby. This is Auntie Myrna's baby. Sarah is staying at Auntie Myrna's house" and that seemed to make Isabella feel so much better.
Wow! Hit me kinda like a ton of bricks. This baby is really mine. Jamie and I are PARENTS, a family! You'd think that 9 months of pregnancy would have prepared me for that concept but not quite. Now that it's sunk in, I'm really lovin' it. We have a baby and she's so precious and absolutely lovely and we are truly blessed.
Breastfeeding - C'est Difficile!
When at the hospital they give you all kinds of nice little pamphlets and a booklet with all of the breastfeeding positions and the "dos and donts". There are diagrams of women with cute little perky breasts and the cute little baby with mouth agape approaching with calmness for the perfect latch.
But let us talk about MY reality:
Picture this - my boobs are frikkin ginormous. I spent my whole highschool life getting teased about small boobs and wishing for bigger ones. Now I understand the meaning of "be careful what you wish for" cause Boy! do I wish for those small boobs back? So here I am: Huge bowling balls on my chest. They are neither perky nor standing at attention and "waiting" for baby to approach like in the nice diagrams of those breastfeeding booklets, mine simply flop whichever way they so choose. And then there's the calm baby in the picture. MY baby, when hungry thus far, is a little savage with arms flailing and mouth, agape alright, but with quite an aggressive chomp! I'm sitting there holding baby in one achy arm in cradle position, holding my heavy boob with the other hand, trying to securely manuever the baby's head with one hand toward said boob, trying to avoid having my areola scratched to pieces with those razor-sharp little nails, trying to get the correct latch so that I can prevent my already cracked and bleeding nipples from getting even more cracked and bleeding, trying not to cry when the latch is successful but hurts like heck for the first few seconds, trying to reach for a pillow to put under the baby so my arm doesn't fall off...keep in mind I still have to hold the boob so it doesn't cover my baby's nose and smother her...and then finally we are all set for about 45 minutes of sucking like a cow hooked up to one of those milking machines. Phew!
And then when she's all done and I put her back down into her bassinette to sleep...she looks so peaceful and she gets a little restful "smile" on her face. I know they say it's not really a smile and simply more of a reflex or a muscle spasm thing or gas or something. But personally, here's what I think of that smile - I think God did it on purpose...for new mommy's who are tired and sore and maybe even a little frustrated...cause when I see that crooked little smile I could cry for the simplicity of its cuteness and for how much love I feel for her...
...and that in itself makes it all worthwhile!