It seems the passage of time, more specifically the swift passage of time, has been a constant theme of my blogging and facebook statuses lately. This week, in particular, I'm not liking this swift passage of time. Last week, a year had passed since Charlotte's arrival. And that means I have to return to the real world and to my real (paying) job.
If you know me, then you know my year "off" on mat leave hasn't really been a year off. I've kept quite busy. Of course, all Mommies keep busy with two children at home but I've also been quite invested in our family business and spending as many hours as possible (sometimes spending hours that were not possible) in our store and bakery.
When I first went on maternity leave I vowed and declared I was staying at home, I was NOT (I was very adamant) working a single day, I was enjoying my time with my two children, I would not be convinced to spend time involved in things that would take me away from my year off with them.
And after about 10 days, that all went out the window...
Apparantly, I don't know how to do (or not do, in this case) all that. Perhaps I'm just fickle.
Now, here I am. The year is over. I'm completely and utterly devestated. I am filled with guilt. I had always envisioned myself as a stay-at-home Mom. I thought I would succeed at that "job" the same as I have succeeded with the rest of my endeavors. But I have not.
I have not done enough. I have not read enough books. I have not given enough hugs. I have not played enough peek-a-boo. I have not dressed enough barbies (this one is hard to regret, I am much more inclined to Tonka trucks). I have not pushed enough swings. I have not gone for enough walks to the beach. I have not coloured enough pages. I have not. I have not. I just haven't done enough.
On Monday, I will go back to work in an office by myself. I will produce invoices, fill out receipts, write proposals, develop community programs, attend meetings, answer phones and emails. Get paid. And come home to someone else (a more capable someone else, in my opinion) taking care of my children. She seems to do more than enough.
Time is a tough one. There is never enough of it.
Alexander Pope said, "For he lives twice who can at once employ, the present well, and e’en the past enjoy." That's the best I can do.