I was angry. For the first time in my life, I didn't know how to pray. Prayer had always seemed completely natural. Like an open line. No fancy incantations, just simple thoughts. I didn't always feel I got through. But I always knew what to say.
Now, I didn't even have words. I was wrong and selfish and tormented. How can one pray within that mindset? My life is good. Why do I have to question everything?
A friend reminded me that it was in that mindset when I needed to pray the most, regardless of the words.
So I did it anyways. Prayed. Broken. Tearful. No words.
And a Bible verse came immediately to my mind. So clear, like God knew exactly all the words I could not say. Was it exactly what I wanted to hear? Not necessarily. I guess God doesn't always say what we want to hear. Yet, in this verse, I felt a sense of peace.
Do I still question things? Yes, absolutely. It's in my nature to ponder, dissect, obsess, wonder. I hold onto that verse. Go back to it many times.
I don't know why I'm writing this now but I felt compelled to share. Perhaps you are in a place where you do not know how to pray. Maybe you've never prayed in your life. Maybe you, like I was, are angry, hurt, confused. You want to know "Why?", you want to know "What if?". You feel foolish even considering talking to the Great Almighty about such a thing.
I need you to know that your tears are enough. They will not go unseen. Your cries will not be unheard. You will have your answer. You can have peace.