Jamie didn't want to have this discussion but I felt it was necessary. I suppose it really hits home for him since he lost his mom when he was just a little boy. The thought of another similar event in his life was too much for him to want to think about. However, I couldn't help but get these feelings of impending doom, like something could happen to me and I needed to prepare Jamie just in case. I felt a little silly bringing it up. But it really could happen and I don't want to be that naive. And here's kinda how the conversation went:
Me: Jamie, we really need to talk about if something happens to me when I'm having the baby.
Jamie: I don't want to talk about it.
Me: Well I really think we do need to talk about it just in case.
Jamie: Stuff like that doesn't happen in this day and age.
Me: Maybe not very often but it CAN happen. I don't want to one of those people who feels it could NEVER happen to them. So if you don't want to talk then just listen to what I have to say.
I proceeded to tell him the following things I had in mind. I said:
"First of all, I don't want you to get so depressed and lay on the couch feeling sorry for yourself and just hand off our baby to someone else to raise. It would be so easy to tell the grandmothers to take the baby and raise it because you can't handle it. But that wouldn't be right. You can do it with or without me. And you'll need help, don't be afraid to accept it. Of course you'll need my mom and your mom to come and help any way they can but I don't want you to ship the baby home to Newfoundland (except for a temporary summer vacation) just so you don't have to deal with how difficult it will be."
"Secondly, I know you'll be feeling like you don't know what you're doing. Especially if we have a baby girl, you'll be feeling like you're inadequate and need to find a new mommy right away. But, I'd honestly appreciate it if you took at least a year to find someone new. You need time to mourn and adjust. And you don't need to feel like you have to be the dad AND the mom. Just be the dad. Be the best father you can be and between the grandmas and aunties and friends, our baby will have lots of "moms" to fill in until you meet someone else."
And I'd like you to still go to church. This is where he just kinda looked at me and I knew exactly what he was thinking to which I replied, "And not just at Easter and Christmas". He grinned cause I hit the nail on the head. "I mean really going on a fairly regular basis like we do now. It doesn't have to be my church, it can be your church, wherever you're comfortable. But, our child needs to know about having a relationship with God and the importance of religion in a family. "
And I think that's all I said, probably more jumbled and not exactly in that order but you get the idea. I asked him if he was okay with all that and he nodded yes. And then I started to get all teary-eyed so I got up and walked away. I'm really not good at crying in front of him at all.
But I forgot to tell him this one last thing: PLEASE don't name our child Baxter!!
(yes, this is one of the names he keeps bringing up)
Now that it's off my chest, I feel much better. Now, I just have to leave it to God.
Am I crazy for feeling the need to talk about this? Did any of you ever experience this kind of sense that something bad could easily happen to you?