Tuesday, July 26, 2011

After Effects

It seems like a lifetime ago that I could sit down several times a week, often daily, and write here, on my blog. I started writing this blog because I love to write, love to share, love to connect.

Now it seems I can't hold a sentence together, let alone a paragraph or an article or story relating to a particular subject. Now, it seems there is an empty space in my brain where thoughts once were found. No kidding, that's how I genuinely feel on most days.

I was told, before I had children, that during pregnancy memory loss would be substantial, clumsiness of speech a common occurrence, confusion a "normal symptom". What I wasn't prepared for was the inability to communicate effectively, the abrupt stop mid-sentence because I absolutely could not think of that word. That word could be as simple as "simple". And I, much to my dismay, would try to explain to the listener, "You know, that word meaning not difficult...." and they would say, "Oh do you mean "easy"?" and I would respond, "Well, "easy" wasn't exactly what I was originally thinking but it's all the same I guess."

I was never good at punctuation. But this. This is a bit of a fiasco. I'm imagining I'm like that old drug-free commercial with the "this is your brain on drugs" eggs in a frying pan. Remember the one? It's a good thing I've never smoked, taken, or otherwise "done" any sort of illicit drug in my life. I'd really be in trouble!

I find I am quite upset at my hormones over this lack. I find it embarassing and saddening and positively aggravating (it just took me a while to come up with "aggravating", just short of thesaurus.com - which has become my best friend - for assistance). I've prided myself in my ability to be reasonably intellectual, reasonably able to hold a satisfying conversation. I started public speaking in grade school. I won awards. Pregnancy took me out in 9 months flat. Pregnancy #2 gave me a double dose of dumbness. See? I just used "dumbness" which I'm fairly certain isn't even a word!

So, will I get my groove back? I am told "probably not" by other moms who suffer the same affliction. I have not yet comes to terms with that prognosis, even now as I remember my daily journal often consists of point form rather than real sentences:
  • Weather was nice today. 20 degrees. Went for a walk with kidlets.
  • Charlotte has tooth #5
  • Sarah emptied half a bottle of dish soap in the sink.

How do journalists/columnists/authors get through this extreme writers block? Obviously some have children. Is everyone jacked up on Ginkgo Biloba and Rosemary?

Are you a Mama who couldn't think straight if your life depended on it? Enlighten me...


Christa said...

It's all good...write about nothing until "something" comes to you...meaning those little ramblings you threw in at the end...love that! You're still a fabulous writer despite how you feel right now. It'll all come back and more :)

Krista D. Ball said...

Well, as someone who does this for a living, I can offer my advise :) Admittedly, it's easier when you get paid for writing. Deadlines are the cure for just about anything.

It's all about sitting your butt in the chair and starting. It can be crap, and that's ok. In fact, if you're out of the habit, it will probably be crap for a while. But, it's the act of writing that brings on the ability to write more and better.

Since I am a writer by career, I often say I don't get writer's block. Doctors never get surgery block. They might not want to work, however, That's what I get. Brain goo syndrome :) So, again, sit butt in chair and start, even if it's crap.

Tara said...

Just spit it all out the way it falls...time goes by to quickly to try to find the right words all the time! That's what I do - I'm not the best at writing, but I just blab from my heart because when our children are grown up and we cant remember - these blabs are all that we will have! So grammatically correct, or spelled correct - WHO CARES! It's all what comes from that heart!!!